my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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