Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
