mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
