I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
