i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
