My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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