Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
