I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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