so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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