I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize