It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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