I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
