Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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