I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
