he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
