Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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