Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
