dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
