She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize