Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
