I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
