turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
