I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Drunk is not a location!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
