enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
