it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
