I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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