dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
