Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
