Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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