can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
