One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
