I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You smell like stripper and shame
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
