Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
