We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
