I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
