I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
