grandma shit on top of the toilet
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
