Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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