first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
