After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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