hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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