Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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