I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
