Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
