I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
