they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
