Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
