Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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