I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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