I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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