Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
