I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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