So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
