Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize