there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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