So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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