I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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